the year that i turned 24, 3 years left to join the club.
Just like all the reflection, in this post I'm going to write down the most noteworthy learnings and events that happend throughout this year.
If I can describe this year with only one word, it would be risk. This is the year that I took risk to stand up for what I believe in, and live up to the moment. The year that I still figure out what I want as a whole, but at least now I'm brave enough to step up for the path I'm going to take for the further goal. The year that I realize self-confidence is not just about self-love. It's also about mastering the unknown area and being okay with it. The year that is not about the search for happiness, stability, or even self-growth, this is the year for me to complete and redefine my dictionary, and for the past year, I just redefined happiness and freedom.
Before we start, for the sake of experience, why don't we put a nice song that reflects this post
"There is a road, no simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone"
Fresh Air from Citra
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone"
a glimpse of freedom
2020 was challenging yet impactful, a total big slap to my face. Early this year, I tried to think of the best way to 'celebrate' what I've been through. What's the best way to close all the bad things that happened last year and start a new fresh air? The answer is obvious, just like thousands of people in Java, to jump on a plane and start a temporary life in a place that celebrates freedom, a place that doesn't give a damn about who you are, a place that makes your parents worry because of how it would destroy your eastern values, and this place is called Bali.
Hear me out, an island that is one of Oprah's favorite places on Earth, your ultra-platonic-bff (8+ years) that hypothetically SHOULD be your wing-woman, and flexibility to work. Just because of those three points, I'm sold right away. And what could go wrong, right? NOTHING! If someone asked me to list down the top 15 decisions of my life, this would totally be on that list.
Marbel and I took different flights. Her flight got delayed for more than 3 hours, made me look like a homeless person in Ngurah Rai, and to be honest, I was a little bit worried that her plane might crash. On the first night in the hotel, I still remember how the room was designed like a studio apartment, not like a hotel at all. I remember that we were so hungry at that time, so I opened up nastar that my mom bought for me, and Marbel laughed so hard, but hey, it was a delicious snack. After we spent like two nights together, the weird thing was that being with her didn't feel weird, or there wasn't any awkward moment at all. At that moment, I knew that I had picked the right friend for this journey, and our platonic friendship had just stepped up to an ultra-mega-giga-pixel platonic level.
I remember that she consulted with her parents about where she should stay for a month. She had all these criteria about what her ideal place should be. I didn't blame her if she wanted to feel the real vibe of Bali by choosing the right place to live. Me? My criteria were simple: cheap. So when we had a chance to look at a whopping 1.5 million per month place to live, I was sold right away. And the place is so strategic, a walking distance to Nelayan Beach.
We didn't have any precise plans of what to do in Bali. We even talked that even though we're practically living in the same area, we don't have to agree or be together all the time. All I remember was every morning, we have this routine of getting up early (around 6 or 7), going to the beach, and reading books. It's such a fantastic feeling and probably something that I missed the most to this day. It is incredible to feel the waves and sands between your feet and feel a little fulfilled by what you read. I read two books back in Bali, "Invent & Wander: The Collection Writings of Jeff Bezos" and "A Promised Land." After an hour or two being on the beach, we get breakfast, eat in our place, and get ready to start our 9 to 5 work.
Bali is undoubtedly one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to. The fresh air and the beaches are just a few things that sum it up, but the real magic, I think, lies in the vibe it exudes. The feeling of freedom and expressing yourself is unparalleled. You don't care about your looks, and for me, as long as you brush your teeth, you're good to go. The mentality of "screw this, no one will remember me" is so big that I don't even think twice every time I want to introduce myself.
Marbel and I had this challenge to meet new people up to 15, if I'm not mistaken, and the first one who accomplished that is the winner. No one ended up winning, but she gained more than I did. But hey, I had fun too!
I remember having this fantastic conversation with a girl I met in Mexicola, probably one of the best conversations I have ever had. I took the chance and braced myself to get to know her. Luckily, she was welcoming enough. She is a medical student at Udayana and we had excellent discussions on various topics from covid, business, and society. I mean, I never thought I would be able to do that if I thought about myself, or to be precise, my insecurities too much. And the best part about it was, now I don't even remember her name! We don't even follow each other on social media, and everything happened during that time only. Wait, that was not the best part. The best part was that I did it many times with different people! I also remember talking with someone who was just as big a fan of AOC as I am, and she dedicated her life to fighting injustice by becoming a lawyer. How cool is that! I remember what she said to me (after a long lecture I gave her about aliens and space exploration), "Keep being yourself Risyad, you're unique."
Marbel and I went out almost every night. We met new people every single night and jumped around to many places. It was the true definition of "make every night legendary" by Barney Stinson. We even went to a gay bar! It was such a fun experience.
The "make every night legendary" came at a cost, Marbel and I got Covid. It wasn't a big surprise for me. Heck, we even laughed it out. It would have been weird if, after what we had been through, we didn't get Covid. And later, I found out that I had Covid for a greater reason that I will explain in the next chapter.
We took the test located beside the New York-themed Pizza in Seminyak. After we were diagnosed, we had an amazing dinner eating ribs. I remember saying to her, "Bel, sebelum indra kita hilang, ayo malam ini kita makan enak." A few days after becoming a Covid patient, my family found out and panicked. They tried to get me into a military hospital. All the time I spent isolated, I was still on call almost every time with Marbel, making jokes and having fun. I didn't feel sick at all. But one time, I tried to cook Indomie. Do you know how strong and tasty the smell of Indomie is? However, it tasted like nothing when I ate it, and I knew something was wrong. I called Marbel and asked if she had the same experience, and funnily enough, she also lost the ability to smell! I laughed out loud, and it was fun to be in the same position with my best friend. Marbel received a care package from all her friends, including puzzles and flowers. If I'm not mistaken, I received the three most beautiful things from amazing people: a coconut from Porco, an ultra-decent meal from Vanya and Arbal, and alcohol from Vicky (I don't know what he was thinking, giving a sick person alcohol, I mean what?)
The only thing I regret about having Covid is that I couldn't hang out with my family, Miggu, and Sasha, which I had been looking forward to for weeks. But at least I spent quite a decent time with Vanya and Porco around.
One of the most fulfilling experiences I had in Bali was doing the dishes. I finally could smell the soap! Gosh, for the first time in my life (and maybe the only time), I felt so happy doing the dishes. After that, I checked if I was still positive or not, and luckily, the test result showed that I was negative. I got tested by myself without Marbel, and after that, I continued my journey by myself. Strolling around the beaches in Bali and hanging out in the bar alone was like I finally got unleashed!
I don't usually play dating apps, but I tried it for the sake of experience in Bali. It was just for fun. I matched with this one girl, and we met up. One thing that surprised me was that she liked the color of my skin. For years, my friends used to make fun of me because of my skin color (I never took it seriously because I didn't have a problem with it). Still, I never thought someone would genuinely admire my skin! Wow. A new kind of experience was unlocked! That was one of the most amazing nights I ever had, the ultimate Bali experience :) But the trade-off was that I wasn't there when Marbel got her first tattoo. Marbel, from the bottom of my heart, I still feel bad and sorry to this day, and thank you so much for forgiving me!
I can't write about all the fun experiences in Bali, but it was ultra-fun. I enjoyed my time there, but all my responsibilities are here in Jakarta and Bogor. I promise I will be back in the future. Maybe not for a month, or I don't know. I can be sure that being in Bali for a month shaped me into this person. I remember all the laughter, the YOLO, the deep talk with Marbel while eating steaks. It was all good, man.
Last but not least, "KISS - Rock and Roll All Nite" went from being a perfect song to something that has actual sentimental value for me
The Sharknado
Sharknado is entertaining, and not bad at all.
I used to save this section to express genuine admiration for Apollo 13, but I think The Sharknado gives a bigger picture about this year and is much more worth noting.
2021 is the year that is full of unexpected things. I almost lost my beloved dad, separated from one of my closest friends, fell in for someone, did some things that I thought impossible, met tons of awesome people, achieved & screwed stuff at work, got rejected, and liberated.
2021 might not be for everyone, but it's coming to an end. Like all the Sharknado movies, no matter how bad, illogical and messed up the situation, try to laugh it out and enjoy the ride.
The day that I found out that my dad got Covid might be one of the worst experiences I ever had. Yes, I got Covid in Bali, but that was different since I didn't have any significant symptoms and I think getting Covid if you're vaccinated and still in the 20s, the probability of fatality wouldn't be higher than for the person with age above 50 to 60 (cmiiiw). I still remember how denial my dad when he was sick; he didn't believe that he had Covid. I mean, my father was kind of not following the protokol kesehatan to the fullest. And tbh for all of us, it's no surprise if my dad eventually gets Covid. I remember seeing him lying in bed because of pain and the headache. And my brother and my mother didn't get near, so I was the only one taking care of my dad (because I already got Covid, we assume that I have this natural immunity). And if we think about it, I got Covid in Bali wasn't such a bad thing, I think we can see the silver linings here. If I were not in Bali, If I didn't yolo-ing myself, I wouldn't get Covid. Thus I couldn't take care of my dad when he got sick (I know it sounds stupid, but it makes me grateful). I remember that I took my dad to get tested, found out that he was positive. I remember precisely putting the oximeter on his hand and finding out his oxygen was below 70. I remember that I ran to my room, getting frustrated, confused, and scared for what the following days would be. I remember the moment that I couldn't sleep because I regularly checked the oxygen tank for my dad. I remember when I took my father to Wisma Atlet, and waited in the car until I fell asleep full of sweat because of the heat. I remember how happy I was when I picked up my dad at Wisma Atlet to get him home. No matter how much we had arguments over the years, no matter how much he or I hurt each other feelings, family is everything—no doubt in that. I'm a few lucky ones.
Losing a friend sucks. As I mentioned above, I don't think of myself as someone who has a lot of friends, nor do I care about having that. When I lost one that I believe was extremely valuable to me, it hit me hard. I always imagined myself as living in some sitcom, how happy it would be to have a group of so-called second family like Friends. But the thing is, the world doesn't revolve around me. What I wanted is most likely a moot point (if you're watching Friends, you'll get it). At least I tried my best to keep things up, but that sounds a bit selfish if we think about it. I'm a big believer that everyone deserves to be happy. As much as I hate it, as much as I miss the moments of being with her, the best thing I can do is hope for a life full of happiness and the Jedi-level capability to tackle all the problems in life. Pute, if you're reading this, I hope you're as healthy as ever and as happy as always! I'm one call away if you need me
Rejection is tough. Your first job may not be your dream job, and the same goes for finding your partner. There will always be the first, second, third attempts, and so on. The feeling of being blindsided, days full of questioning "why," feeling stupid, and other things that I hope no one ever has to experience.
Always choose the red pill over the blue one. It will set you free. Sure, she may be the girl of your dreams. You may imagine yourself watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy with her and want to make her laugh to be your ringtone because of how beautiful it is. But what you need for the long run is reality. The recipe is to know when to use your brain and stop wishful thinking.
I have been on a Modern Family marathon for the past month. I came across an episode called "Express Yourself" (S7E7). Mitchell gave Pam a piece of advice that he quoted from Madonna's song. It's funny, but hey, I think everyone needs to implement it.
"You deserve the best in life. So if the time isn't right, then move on! The second best, it's never enough. You'll do much better."
For my readers (or, to be precise, my future self), if you're going through the same thing, hear me out: I promise it will get better, not here, not now, not with her, but it will get better. You didn't do anything wrong; it just is. When in doubt, zoom out. Removing yourself from situations where you don't feel loved, appreciated, and respected is a form of self-care.
Bonus: How to reclaiming yourself?
Step #1: Delete all the sad songs from your Spotify playlist.
Step #2: Add Pitbull songs, and don't forget to include Cee Lo Green's "Forget You" for medium heartache and "Fuck You" for the ultra heartache. It's empowering, to be honest.
Step #3: Realize that you're worthy!
Freedom is the only thing I want in life. Freedom is also one of the reasons why I really want to end up becoming an entrepreneur. Freedom is also why I'm so in love with the idea of the American Dream. To know that you can do anything you love to achieve big things in your own way always turn me on. I used to think that freedom is when you get what you want, I always thought that freedom is a by-product of endless hustles. But for the past year, I have realized that it is nothing like that. Freedom is about taking chances and being okay if you end up failing. Freedom is doing things in your own way and doesn't care about the result. Freedom is conquering your own fear, going beyond the unknown. Take the chances, write your own book of failure and freedom. Time's changing, in the era of absurdity (someone's selling her own fart for 70K, people pays half a million dollars for a JPEG, billionaires having a meme war with politicians), it's such a golden time to be yourself, be genuine and be free!
To wrap things up in this reflection, I'm beyond glad to have an amazing family, friends, career, hobby, and clear vision of what I want to do in the long run. No matter how things end up, I love my life.
Because we started this post with a song, why don't we end it with a song too? Lately, I've been listening to Grateful Dead again. Grateful Dead probably is one of the most underrated, influential, and coolest bands of all time. Besides Ripple, the song Box of Rain is definitely one of my favorite too. It has magical lyrics with a beautiful serenade. Here's my favorite part of the song
"And it's just a box of rain
I don't know who put it there
Believe it if you need it
Or leave it if you dare
And it's just a box of rain
Or a ribbon for your hair
Such a long, long time to be gone
And a short time to be there"
See you, and can't wait for the next Sharknado (2022)!